“Dating coaches”, “pick-up artists”, “flirting gurus” – self-appointed “love experts” promising lonely, desperate men quick success with women. Sounds harmless, no? The dating world is a pretty opaque labyrinth, somewhere it can be easy to lose your orientation very quickly. So being taken by the hand by a more experienced person and given some support for a while can only be helpful. So what’s the problem?
The questionable methods of the pick-up scene
Most flirting coaches carry out their nefarious deeds on social media – primarily YouTube and TikTok. There, they use short videos to reveal apparently sure-fire tricks which any man can use to bed “any woman” within minutes. Their videos have titles like: “Pick up an unknown woman in under 60 minutes”, “10 times NO and yet still BANG”, and “Seduced into sex in 30 minutes”. Whether these clips are staged or not remains to be seen, but the message is clear: persistency pays off in the end, “No” doesn’t really mean “No”, and if you know what appear to be the right strategies, you can get women for yourself, fast.
The majority of the flirting techniques taught by many dating coaches are based on manipulation and psychological tricks. Examples include:
- Negging: Concealed offensive statements designed to damage the self-confidence of the woman, e.g. “I don’t normally date fat women, but you’re sweet…”
- False Time Constraint: Pretending to have limited time to create pressure and appear more interesting, e.g. “I’m supposed to be meeting some guys in a few minutes, but…”
- The Freeze-Out: Abruptly removing (physical) affection or attention if the woman doesn’t respond to attempted approaches. This is designed to trigger uncertainty and feelings of guilt in the woman, eventually ensuring she does engage.
- And many more…
All these methods are designed to make women interested in a man.
The result? Videos of this kind distort the understanding of consensus and healthy relationships. Because while not all pick-up artists think alike, the scene often communicates a shockingly stupid image of women – namely, that they are all (more or less) the same. Women are not perceived as individuals with their own preferences, wishes and limits, but are degraded to simple sex objects, only there to “be cracked”. On the scene, the question is often asked: “Speak to any woman – no matter how ugly she is. They all look the same naked.” What about men? It is suggested to them that their value is measured only by how many women they can “bed” – and that because women don’t really want to be together with them out of mutual interest, they can only be convinced to do so using the right strategy.
How dating coaches like this damage other men
But it’s not just the image of women of the pick-up scene that leaves a lot to be desired. Many of these gurus also propagate an extremely stark image of masculinity. A man must always be dominant, emotionless and assertive, because only “strong” men are attractive. Feelings? Weakness. Empathy? Useless.
Ironically, many of these dating coaches repeatedly claim that sexual equality damages men: on the scene, it is continually mentioned that neither women nor men want to have an equal relationship. This is merely a myth. As well as this, the gender equality movements of recent years are said to have “masculinised” women and “feminised” men. And according to the dating gurus, “feminised” men –men with qualities such as emotionality, a need for harmony, calm and empathy – have absolutely no chance with women.
While deliberately stirring up insecurities with such claims, of course, the coaches simultaneously profit from them financially. They take money out of the pockets of insecure men with overpriced courses, coaching sessions and e-books – selling them supposed solutions to problems which, in part, at least, they themselves have created.
Instead of really helping men, however, many dating coaches exploit their fears strategically. Speaking to tagesschau.de, the scientists Daria Dayter and Sofia Rüdiger presumed that many of these gurus don’t even want their clients to find a relationship – because satisfied men wouldn’t need any more coaching. In this way, many men enter an infinite loop of seminars and programmes, without ever making any real progress.
To sum up: The dating coach industry lives off the exploitation of insecurities, and selling supposedly simple solutions to complex problems. Those wishing to lead truly successful relationships shouldn’t look to manipulation, but to honesty, self-development and real interpersonal connection.
Translated by Tim Lywood
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